Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Mommyhood

I think people are always looking for their purpose in life, for their reason for being. I always thought mine was to teach, to touch the lives of children through education, to help kids to understand new ideas and concepts and embrace history. Then I had Liara. While I don't think that the idea of Education is lost on me, I still long to teach other children eventually... I would much rather teach my own daughter all the little things that she has yet to discover about life.

It is so refreshing to look at the world in a whole new light... to see things from my daughter's perspective. I had forgotten so much about childhood. I had a great childhood, one filled with imaginary playmates, playdoh and laughter. I want the same for Li. I love that she trusts me enough to explore her little world with me right by her side. She's so inquisitive and I love that about her, she wants to know EVERYTHING. I'm going to do my best to show it to her. We talk about everything, or I guess, I talk about everything with her and she listens intently. I know she doesn't understand everything I say (and for that I'm a little grateful!), but I hope that she'll pick out key words and phrases that are used often (like "I love you", and "you mean everything to me", and "you're so beautiful") and that they will become the staple of her opinion of herself. She's so perfect and she's everything I ever wanted plus a million things I never would have thought to ask for. I hope that someday she'll realize that she has changed my life forever and made me question if I was ever really living before she came along. I know she'll know that I love her with every fiber of my being, I'll make sure of that.

One thing that I wasn't prepared for in mommyhood was the fear of death. I used to be fine with the idea that I could go at any time. I used to say I was ready, but oh, I'm not. I'm terrified of the idea of leaving her before she'll remember me. I don't know if that's just a common fear among parents, or if it is due to my own father's untimely death. Perhaps it's a bit of both. Either way, I'm completely terrified. I have nightmares where I die and am doing everything I can to comfort her, to show her I'm still around. I wake up in a panic and most the time, in tears. Nic looks at me like I'm crazy, like I have no reason to have such fears... but how can you not be afraid of losing the one thing you've waited your whole life for?! I'm also really afraid that she's going to die and I can't help but think that I don't know if I could live without her. I think it is completely possible to die of a broken heart and that I would do so in an instant. I need to stop talking about such morbid things... this isn't where I intended to go in this post.

I love discovering new traits that she's picked up from Nic or myself... it's amazing to see bits of yourself in someone else. I love the fact that she sleeps like I do, in the same positions. I (for now) love that she zones out when her favorite songs or tv shows come on (she only watches Handy Manny and The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but she properly watches them when they're on) like Nic does. I love how she has to investigate anything new (especially if it's mechanical) and makes the same concentration face that Nic does. I love that she has my smile, except for when she smirks, then she's all Nic. I love that she's a Momma's girl (like I was) and that she has my temperament.

I am going to get off here, I don't want to miss anything. This girl is growing faster than I ever imagined she would and she's doing something new every time you blink. I've really enjoyed staying home with her, it has meant the world to me. I'm so thankful to have Nic around, he's been absolutely wonderful for letting me be with her at home!

Can you tell I love my little girl?!