Sunday, 10 July 2011

Conflicted

I know it's been a while since I've last posted... it isn't because there isn't anything going on or that there is an especially large amount to write about either. We've just been living life as it comes and trying to prepare ourselves for the massive change ahead. I'll be 18 weeks along in this pregnancy on Monday (it's late Saturday night) and our precious little girl is going to be 18 months on the 23rd. I can't even begin to tell you how overjoyed/sad that makes me. I don't know how I should be feeling really. My baby girl is growing up so very fast. On one hand I am unbelievably proud and happy with her, on the other, I wonder about the baby in my belly, and if I'll feel this way about them as well. I know I'll love them unconditionally and that I'll be proud of him/her in the same way... but will I have the time to really appreciate all that I do now? Or will I be so frantic trying to keep up with the both of them that their childhoods simply pass me by? I feel like if I blink for too long that I'll miss something with Liara... something I would have liked to have seen and treasured. So far, I've caught every momentous occasion (first step, first word, first hug, first kiss, first time to stack blocks into a tower, first pretty much everything). Will I be so blessed with our second child? Who knew that you could be so completely happy and yet so fearful at the same time?

I've been watching Mildred Pierce on TV (although I'm not sure exactly why... I end up feeling a little depressed after every part, I only have two left and I'm pretty glad about it). In the second episode/part (spoiler if you haven't seen it...) her youngest daughter dies and she deals with it by crawling into bed with her oldest. A friend of mine was recently discussing what she would do if she lost one of her children and how she'd be grateful that she at least still had one and could still be considered a Mom. Both of these instances (Mildred climbing into bed and my friends' discussion) have left me a little heartbroken. I am pretty certain that if I lost either child, I'd fall apart. Yes, I'd try to hold myself together so that I could still be there to support the other child... but I'm not sure how successful I'd be. I certainly wouldn't feel like one was enough of a replacement for another. I can't even begin to explain the love I have for Liara and I don't think anyone could ever take her place or fill a void should she somehow be gone (God forbid, I'd lose it). Yet, at the same time... I would never ever consider this second child to be a "back up" either and I can't even imagine losing him/her, despite not ever really meeting them yet.

I'm not sure where all the morbid thoughts are coming from, but they scare me. Maybe because I'm a little scared about having two children. Not the actual act of raising them or labor even, but the part about where you are supposed to treat them equally. I've always felt that my sister was my mother's favorite. It bothered me a little as a kid, but I felt like my sister needed that love a little more than I did, so it was ok. I played more of a supporting role in the family (in more ways than one) and to be honest, it's helped me turn out into who I am today. I'm perfectly fine with that. However... I don't want my children to feel that way. I want them to both feel like they are the center of my universe and that I just absolutely adore them (as I hope Liara feels now). I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. I guess it will probably just happen naturally when the time comes. Or, at least, that's what I'm hoping.

I tend to get very introspective when Nic is away... he's on a business trip at the moment so I guess you get to hear my ramblings instead of him (perhaps that's why I don't blog often, because he's my sounding board). Poor you. Haha. I'm a little jealous of him this time. He's flying to Houston for a meeting on Monday, then flying back on Tuesday afternoon. We have already booked our flights for our family vacation in August (we'll be in Houston for about 3 weeks!) and I'm super excited about it. I can't wait to be back on American soil. I'm jealous that he gets to go now, even if it is a stressful time for him professionally (he's trying to win an important contract) and it is a super short turn around time. I am just so unbelievably homesick. I feel like we are stuck over here. When we moved over here I thought it was going to be this grand adventure, and that we would travel all of Europe and do exciting things... and then after that, we'd go back home. I figured we'd be here for about two years, just long enough.
We'll have lived here four years in October, and yet we've only seen the UK. Well, Nic has been to Paris and Norway and a few other places on business... but I didn't get to tag along for various reasons. And four is definitely more than two. I didn't picture us having two kids while living across the ocean from all our family and close friends. I didn't know just how much I loved my own country (I did, but didn't fully appreciate it). I didn't know just how much of an outsider I would feel like over here. Yes, we have friends over here, and they are wonderful. However, I can't help but feel like I'm missing out at home. I can't help but feel like we've put our lives on hold a little while we are over here. I can't help but want, no scratch that, NEED to go home. I will have to deal with just looking forward to our visit in August and then the baby coming in December. After that, it will be Liara's 2nd birthday, and then I'll have to come up with something else to look forward to, I'm sure I'll think of something.

Anyway, I'm off to bed to start a new book (I might actually have time to read since there aren't as many people to cook/clean for or clothes to iron, etc.). Hopefully Nic will call to say he's arrived safely and then I'll get a good nights sleep alone in my big ol' bed. I think one of Liara's books has a recording of someone snoring... maybe I'll have to pull that out just so I can trick myself into thinking Nic is there. Pathetic I know. Goodnight!

2 comments:

Jennifer said...

You are not alone by any means. It's weird, but ever since this whole Casey Anthony trial blew up the media over here, I keep finding myself watching my daughter and wanting to cherish every moment I have with her. I wonder if she knows how very much I love her. I've tried to imagine on several occasions what my life would be like if I lost her, I had to quickly think of something else though before I made myself hysterical. It's unimaginable and I sincerely hope neither one of us EVER has to experience that. I know exactly what you mean about wondering how things will be when #2 comes along. You pulled the thoughts right out of my head, I swear. Anyway, I just wanted to send you my hugs and say you're not alone!

Anonymous said...

Dear Conflicted,
While you may feel alone, know that I am thinking of you and missing you and all your life entails...more than you know.

I loved you girls both, maybe not in the same exact ways, but you are such individual and unique human beings that God granted to me to raise on this Earth. I loved you each for who you were and cherish each of you so much...you each have qualities that are awesome, I have no words, as Dax would say.

I hope and pray that God opens a door soon to allow you to find employment back in the US and both of you will be fully convinced that it is the answer.

Don't worry about a thing, there will be plenty of love to go around for the next child coming into your lives...love is there growing inside you, right under your breastbone, inside your heart...where it will forever be.

I love you Jen.
Momma