On the road again...

We are getting ready to head back to Scotland, although not to live there anymore. Our little family will be flying out on Sunday afternoon to get everything sorted and packed up over there. We'll be getting rid of almost everything we own there (car (possibly cars... we'll see what we decide later), furniture, books, everything) and only packing up what we absolutely NEED to bring home. It's going to be interesting with two little ones (especially since Liara is going to have to live without Mickey Mouse/Dora/Curious George since we've already sold the TV)... I'm hoping I can get her to play with her old toys there since they'll be like new to her again. We'll have to schedule some play dates as well with some friends while we are there so that we can say our proper goodbyes and such too. I'm really going to miss a few really good friends that we've made, I'm actually quite sad about leaving them. It hasn't felt permanent until a couple of days ago and I'm not sure how I'll feel once it's actually time to leave Aberdeen for good.

Don't get me wrong, I love being back home in the US. I've dreamed of coming home and am so pleased that we finally are closer to family and that I'm getting the chance to focus on my career a little bit again! I'm just going to miss some things about Aberdeen that I just can't get here. I think that's true for pretty much anywhere I've lived though. I am looking forward to showing off my new sweet baby to everyone though :) That's for sure!

Speaking of my newest baby... she's growing so fast! She is now up to 13 lbs 3 oz, and 23.5 inches! That puts her in the 90th percentile for height and 95th for weight... lol. Yet her head circumference is still only in the 25th, that's the same thing that happened to Liara. My kids just have small heads apparently. Oh well, easier for me! ;)

I am quite anxious about our trip back home though, as Nic has to stay in Aberdeen for a conference and I'm going to be bringing the girls back home by myself! Yep... I'm crazy. I don't know how I'm going to handle a 13+ hour flight with a 2 1/2 month old and a 2 year old by myself. I know it's possible, but I am certainly not looking forward to it. I don't know how I'm going to be able to go to the bathroom on the plane (or change diapers for that matter...) with two kiddos. It's hard enough with one, and I've never done it alone before. Say some prayers for me, I'm going to need them! We come back on the 1st, and Nic should be home around the 15th or so (I think)... who knows.

I have ordered my books for the first two modules of my coursework and they should be delivered while we are gone. I cannot tell you how stinkin' excited I am to get started! I take my CPR for professional rescuers on the 9th of March and then I can officially get started. Have I mentioned how awesome my husband is for providing for me so that I can do this?! I mean, wow... I've been able to be a stay at home mom for the past 2 1/2 years (I quit my job while I was still pregnant) and now I'm getting to go back to school to follow a dream I've had for a little while now... amazing. I'm blessed with an awesome man in my life, I can tell you that!

I know a lot of you have asked about how my Mom is doing... so far, it's all the same. She has been on vacation with her new husband to meet all his family in Rhode Island, so she hasn't had a chance to get a PET scan yet. When those results come back (hopefully before I leave..) I'll let you know.

Anyway, my girls are asleep for their naps, and I think I'll have a little quiet time to myself and do my daily devotional before heading to take a little nap myself! I hope you all are doing well!

Update

Amaya and her big sister Liara :)

Amaya, Daddy and I about two minutes after she was born :)

My favorite big sister! She's so beautiful!

My favorite little sister! She's so beautiful!

Well, I'm still alive. God is good. I know you've probably forgotten all about this blog (I know I have from time to time) and thought I had finished writing here, but I've just neglected it for a while. Hopefully I'll be back for a while, I always forget how nice it is to get all your thoughts out.

We've all had so much happen to us over the last 6+ months that I haven't written here, so I guess I'll just give you a quick re-cap to catch you up on what you've missed.

The Baby (Amaya)- We had our second child, a beautiful and perfect little girl named Amaya Elise Alvarado, on December 14th, 2011. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful she is and how in love with her we are. She honestly fits so well into our family and all my doubts about parenting two children (like if I'd love them the same amount, if I'd be able to devote an equal amount of time to each of them, if Liara would do well with sharing the attention... etc) were squished in seconds. We ALL adore her and are so happy she's here. I can't even imagine how our lives were before her anymore. Liara absolutely LOVES her little sister and is so good with her, and Amaya loves her right back... she gives her more smiles and giggles than anyone else and always is looking around following Liara's voice. It makes my heart so happy to see them together. I can't wait to see the mischief they get into together and the bond that is growing every day. She was 7 lbs 11 oz and 21 1/4 inches when she was born... a big girl compared to Liara, and is already up to 12 lbs 6 ounces as of last week (she was 7 weeks then...) so she's my chunky monkey. She has held her head up like a champ since day 2 and is super curious about the world. She loves to eat... she wants to be attached to me every 2 hours on the hour even now at 8 weeks, but that's ok by me. Oh, I love her. Our birthing experience was so wonderful with her, I had her all naturally (hooray for two natural births under my belt!) at a midwife center here in Pearland. I love my midwives and honestly am a little bummed that this is almost surely our last baby, just because that means that I won't get to have another one with the Rite of Passage ladies. I can't believe that Amaya is already almost two months old. Where has the time gone?!

Liara- We celebrated Liara's second birthday with a bouncy castle and some close friends at home, which was a lot of fun. She is growing so fast and amazes me every day. Her vocabulary is astonishing and makes me laugh all the time. The other day we were doing puzzles and she asked "Mommy, will you do it? I'm exasperated". Honestly?! What two year old says stuff like that? My daughter does. She speaks in complete complex sentences all the time and is always wanting to learn more. She has started to throw a few fits and temper tantrums (as does every two year old), but is quick to stop and correct herself and "ask nicely" when requested. She's learning. Her hair is finally starting to really come in and is now down to her shoulders in the back (not in front though... she kind of looks like a pixie). She still loves to read and we go to the library every two weeks to pick out roughly 30 books that we focus on... as well as our 50 or so of our own. She also loves to do puzzles, play at the playground, and go to church. She does not like to go to the daycare part though, she wants to be with us in the big church... lol. She still isn't fantastic at being away from Mommy (unless it is someone she knows well, like Daddy or Grandma... then she's fine), but we're working on it. She is still an absolute joy and I love her to pieces. She is so good with her little sister and is my good little helper. We're working on starting to potty train a little bit and she does well some days, and horrible others. She'll wear big girl panties without a problem, but she's hesitant to use the potty and will insist on having a diaper on to go. Oh well, it's still early in the game.

Nic- He's so wonderful. He has been transferred to the US office of Fugro here in Houston! We are so pleased and are looking forward to what is going to happen now. He just started with them on the 1st of February, so it's still new, but so far so good. He'll have to travel back and forth to the UK office still pretty often, but at least we're back in the US now! He has been in the UK for the most part since we left Scotland in August. He flew back the 1st of Sept, then was here for a week in October and then came back for Amaya's birth in December. Then he had to go back on the 3rd of January and finally came back on the 25th. It's been hard to be away from him for a month and a half at a time, but we made it through and are glad that it's finally starting to ease up. He's such a great Daddy and is so good with the girls. I really can't tell you how much I appreciate him when he's here (and away...). He's been working on a quad-copter lately which is fun... he is a little obsessed with it. Liara loves to watch him fly it and it is so cute to see them so excited about it together. Perhaps he doesn't need a little boy after all. We're supposed to fly back to Aberdeen together on the 19th to pack up our things there and move out of the house before the end of the month. I'm looking forward to closing that little chapter of our lives and seeing where God takes us now.

That leaves me. I'm doing wonderfully. I had another super easy pregnancy and birth and am loving being Mommy to my girls. I can fit into my jeans from before I had Liara (I'm still a little snug in a few of them, but I can get them on!), although I'm nowhere near where I was pre-Amaya. I have to keep reminding myself it's only been 8 weeks though. It'll happen. I've had a massive change of heart as far as my career is concerned... I have decided to go back to school to become a midwife myself. I am so very excited and can't wait to start the coursework. I am really looking forward to helping others have the birth experiences that I have had myself with both my girls and can't wait to be a part of bringing someone's child into the world! I haven't been this excited since I don't even know when. I am beyond thrilled and have been talking to my own midwives about it. They have been super supportive and helpful throughout everything. I know I've got a great support system. The process takes about 3 years to get it all done, so I'll be a CPM (certified professional midwife) right about the time that Liara enters Kindergarten. I think that's a great time to start a new career and begin to shift the focus a little. I love that I'll be able to still spend a ton of time with my girls though, while being a working Mom in a rewarding profession. It really seems to be absolutely perfect for me! I can't wait!

That about wraps it up for my little family...

My mom was re-diagnosed with breast cancer again today. I'm still in shock a bit and am not quite sure what to think about it. I know that God will work it out and am praying... that's pretty much all I can do at this point. We are waiting on news that will tell us where it is in her body and at what stage she's in. Hopefully we find that out soon so that we can figure out a game plan from there. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers on that one please.

Oh! I almost forgot, we might be looking at buying a new house. Nic's office right now is about 10 miles from our house here in Houston, but they are moving to one of the other offices here in Houston before the end of the year (meaning he'd have about an hours commute each way). That's not really ideal, and since we have tenants in the house right now anyway, we are debating leaving them there and just getting another house closer to the 2nd office. That way we don't have to worry about it later. We're talking to the mortgage lady at the moment to see if that's even feasible right now (especially since we had foreign income for the last 4 years). We might have to wait a little bit to get re-established here in the US, but we'll see. It's exciting to think about though!

Ok, I'm off to bed... it's 3:30 in the morning and everyone else is sleeping (including Amaya) but she's due to wake up for another feed in about 45 minutes, so I'd better take advantage of the time for some shut eye.

I'll try to be better about posting, but no promises! I'll leave you with a few pictures ( they ended up being at the top but I'm too sleepy to mess with it just now... Oh well).

Oh no!

Well, we've made our decision, and it looks like I'll be staying in the US with Liara for September and October (and maybe a few days of November too). I'm looking forward to getting some serious work done, helping our family fix some financial instabilities, and seeing some people that I haven't seen in a while. There are a few major events that I'll get to take part in as well, so I'm pretty excited (such as a cousin's bridal shower and the possible birth of my sister-in-law's first baby). Awesome.

However... I've fallen behind in my house cleaning, partly due to Liara catching a cold. Yep, just a few days before a 15 hour plane ride. Boo. My poor baby has itchy/watery eyes, a super runny nose, and sneezes every two minutes. She looks miserable, but she's a trooper. She only gets fussy if I'm more than 3 feet away from her (or doing something other than paying attention to her... hmm). I understand that, there's nothing better than a Momma's love when you don't feel well. My only problem with that is that those dishes in my kitchen aren't going to do themselves, the floor isn't self cleaning, the laundry pile is trying to make a comeback and those suitcases I packed for us, well, aren't going to cut it for three months. Oh dear, it looks like it'll be a late night for me tonight...

If anyone wants to be my maid for a couple days, I'd really appreciate it! This house needs to be spic and span by the time we leave so that Nic doesn't completely destroy it when he's by himself for two months. Oh geez, am I sure about this?!

Opportunities come knocking...

Look at me, I've become a fairly regular (or at least more frequent) blogger lately. Go me.

I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head and try to make up my mind about some things that will drastically change our living situation for a while.

We've been struggling with money lately... we've been able to pay our bills, but there isn't anything left over at the end of the month which is a little nerve wracking when you've got a baby on the way and taxes due at the end of the year (5k worth of taxes... eek!). It's been something that has weighed heavily on my (and Nic's) mind and we've had many a discussion about it. We've thought about me going back to work, but with childcare costs and whatnot, it really isn't that great of an option (especially since I can't teach here unless it's at an international school). We've thought about him going offshore for a while, but that isn't a fantastic option either. We were running out of ideas.

That's when I got a heads up about a possibility from a past employer regarding testing (again... something I am very interested in and enjoy doing). It has super flexible hours (so I could stay home with Liara still) and is fantastic money. Plus, it's in my field of study and gives me more experience in a career I'm interested in following. Win-win right? Well...

There is a slight downside. By slight, I would mean that I'd have to stay in the US without Nicolas for a while. Yes, while pregnant and with an 18-21 month old. Basically, I'd stay in Houston instead of returning back at the end of the month, and stay until the beginning of November. Then Liara and I would come back to the UK for November and December, then head back for more work in January. I'd stay there until the work was done (it's calibrating and standardizing a test) and then return with Nic... unless he's able to convince his work that he can work from home in the US and travel back and forth to the UK as needed. He's already talked to his boss about it, but no decision has been made. It wouldn't have any effect on his schooling since it's distance education and he would be able to take his exams at any university.

That's a lot to have happen just 5 days before you leave for a trip. I'm not sure whether to pack for three weeks or three months... I'm sure I'll figure it out though. I'll have more info from my former boss tonight, so hopefully that'll help us make up our minds. Either way, we're looking forward to being back in the US, however long it may be for. Keep us in your thoughts/prayers please... we could use some good vibes to figure out what the heck we're doing!

Wordless Wednesday!

I don't normally do Wordless Wednesdays, but I had some cute pictures of Li that I just have to share. Perhaps I should do it more often :)

Liara as she says "cheese" for the camera (yes, there is a bruise on her forehead... one of the many bruises she's been sporting lately)

Another picture of my beautiful little girl. Man, we're going to be in trouble when she starts liking boys.

A smiling picture with her Dink :) I love that you can see the smile even with it in her mouth.

Playing in the suitcase is so much fun...

Liara playing Peek-a-boo in one of our suitcases.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Look!

Two posts in the same week! Aren't you lucky!

I just had to share a few more cute things that Liara is doing lately, things I forgot to mention last post.

- Any time a helicopter flies overhead (which is often... we're right on the direct path of the choppers picking up/dropping off guys to and from the rigs in the North Sea for their shift changes) Liara points to the sky (or the windows if we're inside) and says "OOH Copter!" She then waves like a mad woman until she can't hear or see it anymore. It's adorable, even when she wakes up from a nap to do it (yes, she's done that several times...).

-One of her favorite games/hobbies is running. She will shout that she's "running!" and then run from one end of the house to the other. Then shout "running!" again and run back. Over and over again.

-She's very self-sustaining. When she wants a snack, she'll go get one (most likely cereal or a pretzel from the tub on the table, which means she gets to climb onto one of the chairs) or if she's thirsty, she'll get a bottle of water from the cupboard and bring it to you to open. Oh, she's making my life so much easier!

-She still LOVES to dance. Anytime there's music on (and there aren't strangers around), she's dancing to it. She then looks around the room and points at you until you're dancing with her. Everyone has to dance.

- Did I say she loves to read... because I really meant it. Today we have read 84 books so far (it's 3:45)... I decided to keep track, just to see. It's no wonder she gets bored with our books and loves when we go to the library! I love that she's a bookworm and can just see her absorbing all those glorious words!

-She is very aware when the phone rings and will shout "phone" and get it and bring it to you if it is nearby. If not, she continues to shout "oh no! Phone!" until you get it.

-She's a great helper. If you are doing laundry she will empty the washing machine for you, put the dirty clothes in, and then wait for you to add the soap. When you're done, she'll push the start button and then clap. What really gets me is that she loves to smell the clothes to see if they're clean and will let you know the results (either "YUCK" or "mmmm"). Lol. She also helps to pick up her toys and will fetch anything you ask for (as long as she can carry/reach it).

-She always wakes up happy. She gives the best morning hugs and kisses, and will always wave at you. My favorite part though, is if Daddy's still sleeping, she'll imitate him (making a snoring sound) and then giggle. :) Too funny.

-She loves to tickle people. Although it's more of her saying "tickle tickle" and almost scratching you... it's still cute.

-She loves baths. She doesn't ever want to get out (but will if you say it's time) and just plays and plays and plays in there. Her favorite bath time toy is her tea set, and she'll pour you a mean cup of bath water tea.

-She gives love pats when she hugs. I love this!

-She used to make this face (we never caught it on camera and she hasn't made it in over a week now... bummer) that cracked us up. She would tilt her head down and look out of the top of her eyes (like she was rolling her eyes at you...) and keep a super serious face, then she'd look up and laugh. Oh, it was cute. I'm hoping it'll come back and I can catch it. She just never wanted to do it on film.

-She gets on the scale every morning before breakfast... I'm pretty sure she's seen me do it to check my weight gain for this pregnancy. Perhaps not the best habit for a child, but it's still pretty cute.

Ok... my little girl is tired of "running" now, so I'll go.

All My Children

Ok, so I figured I'd start with the baby. We had our 20 week ultrasound on Monday (our third and final ultrasound, that we know of). The baby looked beautiful and was perfectly formed as it should be. We got to fully inspect the heart ventricles and cavities, brain, spine, legs, kidneys, arms... etc. Pretty much everything except the genitalia. If you missed it when we were pregnant with Liara, they don't tell you the sex of the baby here. If you ask, they tend to get really grumpy about it and point out the numerous signs on the wall saying that they don't determine the sex of the baby and they'd prefer if you didn't ask about it (we found this out when we asked WHERE we could go to find out the sex if we so desired with Liara. We didn't even ask her specifically if she would tell us, just where we could go to find out). There are private clinics here that you can go to, they normally charge around 60 pounds (100 dollars) for a 2D sexing scan, or around 120 pounds for a 3D one. We decided not to with Liara since it didn't really matter and we aren't sure whether we'll find out with this one either. Again, it doesn't really matter what sex the baby is (and we have a feeling it's a girl anyway) and we'll find out in 20 weeks anyway! The tech this time was pretty nice and gave us 6 pictures to take home (usually it's 3-4) including these two which were my favorites. I have all of them on facebook if you're interested in seeing the others.

This one is our sweet baby waving it's hand at us. We told Liara that the baby was waving at her and she seemed to like that. She didn't really understand what was going on while we were there (and was a little more impatient this time than the other two, but they were shorter than this one was so I guess that was expected). I love how you can see each little finger so well... such a nice little hand print to keep :)
This one (pardon the huge spaces... Nic scanned the pictures in at work and I haven't taken the time to crop off the extra space around the edges) is our baby's face. The baby kept sucking it's thumb and then for this picture pulled it out and yelled a little. I think it was tired of the tech trying to get it to move around so that she could see all the valves in the heart. I like how it looks like it's smiling though... even if it isn't.

Ok. Onto our first sweet baby, or toddler that is. I can't believe she's already 18 months! She's growing like a weed and it seems like every day she's saying more and more (because she is... she's learning about 10 new words a day I swear) and doing more and more (again... she is). She's such a joy and I can't even express in words how much I love that girl! We loved her name because it meant "my light" in Hebrew and to be honest, I think it's perfect for her. She definitely lights up my life and I'm not sure how I faced the world without her. She has made me so unbelievably happy. Anyway, enough about how she makes me feel... on to the good stuff: what's been going on for her.

Height: 31.5"

Weight: According to our scale (which is probably wrong) 23 lbs

Likes: Playing with Mommy, building towers with blocks, climbing on any chairs or object that will get her higher than she's supposed to be, playing with playdoh, doing puzzles, re-organizing our movie drawers, reading (Li LOVES to read), bath time, playing with her sand table, playing with the kitties across the street, visiting the ponies/horses, helping Mommy with laundry, swinging, playing with her friends, jumping on the couch/trampoline/floor... dancing, singing and painting.

Dislikes: Being away from Mommy...

Favorite Foods: Shepard's pie, carrots, peas, potatoes, candy, cookies, pizza, cheese, milk, water (this girl LOVES water... especially if it's flavored), blueberries, strawberries, plums, nectarines. She likes pretty much anything though.

Foods she doesn't care for: Raspberries

Animal Sounds: Cow (moo), Cat (meow), Dog (woof and aoooo for howling), Donkey (hee-haw), Owl (who who), Sheep (baa), Goat (maa), Horse (she whinnies, SO cute), Goose (honk), Bee (bzz), Snake (ssss), Duck (quack)

Words she says (this isn't a complete list, as I can't remember them all... but I figure ~150 will give you a general idea): Mommy/Mama, Daddy, Book, More, Oh no, Uh oh, Bike, Shoes, Cheese, Banana, Belly Button, Nose, Black, Red, Green, Purple, Go, Sock, Out, Shirt, Dink (pacifier), Teeth, Booby, Milk, Bob (Godfather), Grandpa, Mick (Mickey Mouse), Yeah, Cat, Tea, Bye, No, Good, Girl, Hello, Hi, Ball, Wow, Drink, Juice, Broke, Cow, Pringle, Please, Rock, Up, Weee!, Awww!, Man, Back (both for the back of the body and coming back from somewhere), Toes, Come, Night, Pee, Phone, Cookie, Help, At, Paint, Work, Bath, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Snack, Duck, House, Kite, Dog, Nap, Big, Sorry, Hot, Pretty, Ring, In, Minnie, Water, Mat, Bug, Birdie, Bum, Car, Money, Home, Horse, Manny, Plum, Candy, Poky, Puppy, Giggle, Tickle, Best, Sister, Friend, Bottle, Walk, Carry, Ella (her friend), Brush, Bite, Bus, Bee, Shower, Potty, What's That, Clothes, Bed, Morning, Trash, TV, Chair, Cold, Lotion, Airplane, Pizza, Dinner, Eye, Ear, Mouth, Read, Honey, Movie, Wet, Baby, Sleeping, Windy, Heavy, Booger, Mess, Dressed, Running, Bag, Play, Swing, Slide, Park, Ride, Moon, Tay Tay (her cousin), Dax (her cousin), Cup, Tower, Swim, Hair, Boots, Puzzle, Glasses, Build, Ta (Scottish way of saying thank you), Toys... you get the idea.

She can combine those words in strings... usually up to three words (like "mommy build tower", or "daddy at work?" "more pringles please" etc...). I'm certainly proud of her and am so pleased that we're communicating enough now to actually really understand each other. It's so nice!

She's growing so fast and becoming such a big girl. She's polite and helpful and wonderful in every way. Yes, she throws a mean fit every now and then, but it's very few and far between them, so that's understandable. Most of the time it's when she's overly hungry or tired anyway...

She's more beautiful than I ever imagined. I think she looks so much like her Daddy, but every now and then I see myself in her (or more often, my father... which makes me happy). She's very funny too, I'm glad she has a sense of humor! Oh, I am so in love with this girl it hurts sometimes.

Anyway, here are a few pictures for you. This first one is one of my favorites, despite the bit of cereal still on her face from breakfast :)

She's very inquisitive... here, she's looking for the cats at the neighbor's house. She knows they live in that barn and was checking to see if they were home (yep!).
Here's Li playing in one of the ball pits/bouncy castles at Fugro's family bbq from the 3rd of July. She had a lot of fun.
I think that about wraps it up... I can't think of anything else (but that's not to say there isn't more!). I'm off to bed now! Goodnight :)

Raincheck...

I DO have a post for you guys about my sweet 18 month old and all of her accomplishments. I even have a word list going of all the things she can say (it's quite long and I know I'm still missing tons!). I also have an update on baby dos, since we had an ultrasound yesterday.

However... my house is a mess and Liara is a busy girl making it even more of a disaster zone. For some reason she's quite clumsy today as well (perhaps because she's tripping over some of her toys every two seconds because I haven't had a second to pick them all up...) so I'm trying to watch her like a hawk.

I WILL get to it, I promise... just maybe not until bedtime. :) I haven't forgotten though, and I can't wait to share just how proud I am of my children (yep... both of them!).

Things that make me smile :)

Yep, you get two posts today... one not so happy, and then this one! To be honest, I prefer the smiling faces of my sweet girl and amazing husband. This is the way life should be, always.

Here's Nic and my adorable kitty cat, Liara. Yes, the lady did a pretty awful job and Liara cried while she painted it on (and while she tried to rub it off completely)... but we got a few smiles in the middle.
Here's Liara and I going down a massive slide at one of the nearby parks.
My girl L.O.V.E.S. to swing. She's just like I was as a kid (who am I kidding... I'm still a massive swing lover). I love how happy she is as soon as she's in one :)
This next picture was taken at a friend's wedding... and it makes my heart burst every time I see it. How in the world can anyone love someone more than I love these two people? Oh, they make me happy.
And, lastly... my sweet smiling girl. Overwhelming, I tell you. Love, love, love.

Conflicted

I know it's been a while since I've last posted... it isn't because there isn't anything going on or that there is an especially large amount to write about either. We've just been living life as it comes and trying to prepare ourselves for the massive change ahead. I'll be 18 weeks along in this pregnancy on Monday (it's late Saturday night) and our precious little girl is going to be 18 months on the 23rd. I can't even begin to tell you how overjoyed/sad that makes me. I don't know how I should be feeling really. My baby girl is growing up so very fast. On one hand I am unbelievably proud and happy with her, on the other, I wonder about the baby in my belly, and if I'll feel this way about them as well. I know I'll love them unconditionally and that I'll be proud of him/her in the same way... but will I have the time to really appreciate all that I do now? Or will I be so frantic trying to keep up with the both of them that their childhoods simply pass me by? I feel like if I blink for too long that I'll miss something with Liara... something I would have liked to have seen and treasured. So far, I've caught every momentous occasion (first step, first word, first hug, first kiss, first time to stack blocks into a tower, first pretty much everything). Will I be so blessed with our second child? Who knew that you could be so completely happy and yet so fearful at the same time?

I've been watching Mildred Pierce on TV (although I'm not sure exactly why... I end up feeling a little depressed after every part, I only have two left and I'm pretty glad about it). In the second episode/part (spoiler if you haven't seen it...) her youngest daughter dies and she deals with it by crawling into bed with her oldest. A friend of mine was recently discussing what she would do if she lost one of her children and how she'd be grateful that she at least still had one and could still be considered a Mom. Both of these instances (Mildred climbing into bed and my friends' discussion) have left me a little heartbroken. I am pretty certain that if I lost either child, I'd fall apart. Yes, I'd try to hold myself together so that I could still be there to support the other child... but I'm not sure how successful I'd be. I certainly wouldn't feel like one was enough of a replacement for another. I can't even begin to explain the love I have for Liara and I don't think anyone could ever take her place or fill a void should she somehow be gone (God forbid, I'd lose it). Yet, at the same time... I would never ever consider this second child to be a "back up" either and I can't even imagine losing him/her, despite not ever really meeting them yet.

I'm not sure where all the morbid thoughts are coming from, but they scare me. Maybe because I'm a little scared about having two children. Not the actual act of raising them or labor even, but the part about where you are supposed to treat them equally. I've always felt that my sister was my mother's favorite. It bothered me a little as a kid, but I felt like my sister needed that love a little more than I did, so it was ok. I played more of a supporting role in the family (in more ways than one) and to be honest, it's helped me turn out into who I am today. I'm perfectly fine with that. However... I don't want my children to feel that way. I want them to both feel like they are the center of my universe and that I just absolutely adore them (as I hope Liara feels now). I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. I guess it will probably just happen naturally when the time comes. Or, at least, that's what I'm hoping.

I tend to get very introspective when Nic is away... he's on a business trip at the moment so I guess you get to hear my ramblings instead of him (perhaps that's why I don't blog often, because he's my sounding board). Poor you. Haha. I'm a little jealous of him this time. He's flying to Houston for a meeting on Monday, then flying back on Tuesday afternoon. We have already booked our flights for our family vacation in August (we'll be in Houston for about 3 weeks!) and I'm super excited about it. I can't wait to be back on American soil. I'm jealous that he gets to go now, even if it is a stressful time for him professionally (he's trying to win an important contract) and it is a super short turn around time. I am just so unbelievably homesick. I feel like we are stuck over here. When we moved over here I thought it was going to be this grand adventure, and that we would travel all of Europe and do exciting things... and then after that, we'd go back home. I figured we'd be here for about two years, just long enough.

We'll have lived here four years in October, and yet we've only seen the UK. Well, Nic has been to Paris and Norway and a few other places on business... but I didn't get to tag along for various reasons. And four is definitely more than two. I didn't picture us having two kids while living across the ocean from all our family and close friends. I didn't know just how much I loved my own country (I did, but didn't fully appreciate it). I didn't know just how much of an outsider I would feel like over here. Yes, we have friends over here, and they are wonderful. However, I can't help but feel like I'm missing out at home. I can't help but feel like we've put our lives on hold a little while we are over here. I can't help but want, no scratch that, NEED to go home. I will have to deal with just looking forward to our visit in August and then the baby coming in December. After that, it will be Liara's 2nd birthday, and then I'll have to come up with something else to look forward to, I'm sure I'll think of something.

Anyway, I'm off to bed to start a new book (I might actually have time to read since there aren't as many people to cook/clean for or clothes to iron, etc.). Hopefully Nic will call to say he's arrived safely and then I'll get a good nights sleep alone in my big ol' bed. I think one of Liara's books has a recording of someone snoring... maybe I'll have to pull that out just so I can trick myself into thinking Nic is there. Pathetic I know. Goodnight!