Every now and then it hits me... I'm going to be a Mom. Nick is going to be a Dad. Wow.
I really get to thinking about what it's going to be like to look into the eyes of our child and see bits of ourselves inside. It's a really huge feeling. I can't describe it any other way. Huge. It's one I've always looked forward to and one I still am so excited for, but at the same time, I feel like I'm missing something. I can't wait to share all these big occasions with my parents (and Nick's too) but then I get all teary eyed because I'm not going to be able to share them with my Dad the way I really wanted to. He won't get the chance to meet our little one in the way that I had hoped. I won't get to see him hold him or her and be the one to tell him that he's a Grandpa for the first time. That utterly breaks my heart. I think it's honestly the thing in my life that hurts me the most.
I'm not sure how to deal with it because there isn't anything I can change about the situation. He's gone. I'm having a really hard time coping with that.
My child will be lucky in that he or she has plenty of people that are there to love him (6 great grandparents, 5 grandparents, 2 parents, 3 Aunts, 4 Uncles, 6 cousins so far... and loads of 2nd cousins and great aunts and uncles), but that one missing grandparent means a lot to me. I am so sad that they aren't going to see what a great story teller he was or hear his infectious laugh. I'm so heartbroken that they won't get to experience the love that he gave or how great it felt in one of his hugs.
I've been trying to avoid this whole conversation with myself because it's so difficult for me to deal with. I think that's why I've just now got around to calling Kristy to tell her that we are having a baby. I wasn't able to get a hold of her on the phone so I left her a message on her answering machine. How cheesy is that?! I felt like I cheated or something, that isn't how I would have told Dad. I feel horrible for that. I wish I had a better relationship with her but I feel like I can't because it's too damn hard. Talking to her brings back so many memories of my father, and it's hard to shut the flood gates once they are opened. Ryan is getting older now though and I know that I need to be there for him as his big sister. I have so much that I want to share with him, so much to tell him about Dad so he doesn't forget. He was only 3 when Dad passed away, he is bound to have limited resources when it comes to memories of him. I don't want him to forget, just like I don't want my children to not know who he was. Ya know, when I was growing up, I REALLY was sad about not ever getting to meet my Grandfather (Dad-O, my Dad's father) because he had passed away before I was born. My dad spent hours telling me stories about him and I loved to listen to them. Dad would tell me how much he would have loved me and how he wished I had got to meet him. He would tell me which features of mine reminded me of his father. I just realized how much I appreciated that. Now I'm going to have to do the same.
It makes me wonder about Parenthood... and what that actually means. There are some things that, as a parent, I want to control in my child's life. I don't want them to have to experience some of the pains that I had to go through. I want them to be happy and know how much they mean to me. Even now, before my baby is born, I am terrified that I'm going to let them down or break their heart. But is that part of parenthood? Is it something that I am just going to have to get used to? Death is a really hard thing to go through, and I hope that I can at least better prepare them for it than what I was with Dad. I hope they don't have to let us go as soon as I had to let Dad go. I don't know why I keep saying "let"... like I had a choice.
I miss my Daddy, more than I can say. I hope my child is old and gray before they feel the way I feel.